One of the things I have been struggling the most with over the past several months, is my faith. My faith in God has not wavered per se… but I am not going to lie and say that I have not been angry with Him. I wish that this has been an opportunity to grow deeper in my faith, and lean into the comfort of God’s love… but sadly this has not been the case. There is nothing I can do about it, so I have accepted it, and I know that ultimately my relationship with God will be stronger for having been through this. But I’m not there yet. I did make a big step this weekend, by going to church for the first time since we found out we were going to lose Randy.
One thing the pastor touched on during the sermon was Grace. It is like the delightful surprise when you are treated with un-expected kindness. This definitely hit home for me, because one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned, is that we are not entitled to Grace. That’s what makes it GRACE. It is un-expected. No one deserves to be blessed with children. If that were the case, then why are so many “deserving” parents still without children? So many people have told my sister, “when you have another baby…” or, “I KNOW you’ll get pregnant again”… etc. It makes me angry, because HOW DO THEY KNOW?!
In a way though, I don’t know if I will feel better or OK about what happened with Randy until they are blessed with another baby. They call them “rainbow babies” for a reason. It is the sign of hope after the storm that has devastated your lives. I cannot wait for the possibility of that hope being fulfilled.
I don’t think that it is a coincidence that some of the most beautiful things in our lives are also the most fleeting. Yesterday I was driving home during one of the Arizona desert’s beautiful sunsets. As the sun sank lower and lower, the colors grew more and more vibrant. I practically held my breath, knowing that such incredible beauty would soon be gone, and I didn’t want to miss a second. And it was just a sunset. There will be another one tomorrow. Probably not as beautiful… but maybe more so. Who knows?
But…If every day ended with such beauty, we would take it for granted after a while. We wouldn’t stop. Breathless. We wouldn’t appreciate the beauty in that experience. We wouldn’t give it a second glance.
It wouldn’t feel like Grace.