I think it’s about time that I pick this blogging thing back up over here. It’s been 3 years since my last post in this space, and yes…some stuff happened. I could recap, but it’s a long story, and there are bigger and better things on the horizon.
I turned 35 this week. That number seems more than a little daunting. I am proud of where I am in most areas of my life. Also, I really really LIKE who I am as a person. I take a lot of pride in being the best version of myself as I possibly can. I know my weaknesses and where I can improve. The first half of my 30s has been so full of ups and downs. As hard as some of those experiences have been, it has allowed me to develop perspective in life to be able to roll with the punches. Going through challenges develops a strength of character as well as confidence in your decisions and your ability to persevere. You learn when to let go of things not meant for you, as well as when to dig in and hold on tight when something amazing comes along.
Something amazing has come along. SomeONE as a matter of fact.
Someone so amazing that my heart refuses to believe he is real. That THIS is real. Falling in love for me has often been something that I either resist at all costs, or I jump in head-first not seeing all the “shallow water” warning signs. I started to feel the butterflies on our second date. The stupid smile I could not wipe off of my face after our first kiss was a good sign. Falling for this man has felt like no other relationship I have ever been in. It feels more like flying. Like the wind has swept me off of my feet and onto this incredible and joyful ride that is exhilarating yet peaceful at the same time, and I never want it to end. I have never had to guess or wonder how he feels about me, or when I am going to see him again. He has every quality (and more) that I’ve been praying to find in a partner. I know that God knows our hearts and exactly what we need, but I still cannot fathom the reality of being blessed with this man in my life. I have been so abundantly blessed already, that this just feels like more than I deserve.
I have been going along on this ride for months now, still refusing to allow the hopes to rise in my heart that this is the person God has intended for me. In so many ways, I am older, wiser and stronger than I used to be. The naiveté of a young, hopeless romantic has been replaced by a more practical, realistic and humble version of myself. I want to let the reality sink in that this IS real life… but I don’t know when it will really seem real. Maybe the process of losing my nephew is part of it. I just refused to accept that my sister was going to have a new, healthy baby until Olivia was actually here. It seemed audacious to think that it was a given. Now, every time I see that gorgeous girl and her little sister, I still can’t believe they’re real.
Maybe it’s a good thing to feel this way? I couldn’t change it anyway, so I might as well accept it. I already feel like the luckiest woman ever, even to have shared a tiny snippet of time with him. If this is really real then I never want to take for granted the grace of this incredible gift.