From my old blog a year ago:
I always looked at the world and saw the good. Even when bad things happened to good people, I wanted to see the positive side. It was sometimes hard to find, but there was always hope, right? What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?? Now that I am here, on the brink of one of life’s devastating, world crashing down events, I am having a hard time seeing the hope for myself. My heart is broken for what my sister and family are going through. I just want this to be over, so we can begin to heal, but at the same time, I want to stop time right now and not have to go through this. I know deep in my heart that joy and happiness will find us someday. Someday, all of this WILL have made us stronger. I know that this baby boy has come into our lives for a reason and he’ll leave us completely changed. A symbol of strength and courage. But right now, it is hard to give thanks. To see the blessings in this burden. Not to ask why us? Why her? Why doesn’t he get to stay?
The only miracle we can hope for is time. We don’t know if it will be minutes, hours or even days. The chance to know him, and feel him, see his eyes open and know that he LIVED. I lie awake almost every night and the whole scene plays over and over in my mind. What it is going to be like (God willing) to welcome him into our world. To hold him. To surround his every moment with us in love. To let him go on to whatever adventures are in store for him…The emotions run through my heart as vividly as the pictures in my mind and it is torn between incredible joy and love, to the indescribable grief I know is waiting in the wings. There is no way to prepare for this.
The feelings of fear and uncertainty that I was feeling a year ago were SO intense. I still don’t know how we made it through. The emotions have been brought to the surface lately, since Randy’s birthday is tomorrow. I’m sad. Still angry that we went through it. Thankful that we got so much time with him. So overcome with joy that my new niece is on the way and perfectly healthy. Full of love for my family… The most important thing in this lifetime is time with those you love. Everything else, well… you can’t take it with you. Memories are to be cherished, and days are not to be wasted. No one is entitled to such blessings, yet so many people take these simple gifts for granted. These are the most important lessons of my life.
I’m glad I made it through. This is me, on the other side.