ending on a high note

Oh… 2012. You have given me more stress, heartache and gray hairs than the past 29 years combined. What a bad year. It was JUST BAD. Very few good things actually happened, and whatever good times we did have, were completely shattered when we found out the devastating news about Randy. Even the aftermath of a horrible breakup in the beginning of the year was overshadowed by the monster that the rest of the year promised to be for my family. It was practically un-endurable… but somehow we made it. We’re making it.

Every day, I move a little farther from the pain and a little closer towards healing. My heart feels like a piece of meat placed between two sheets of wax paper, that has been beaten over and over again with a mallet. Every repeated blow has made my heart tender. Vulnerable. Fragile. Which is why I’m surprised that it has managed to be open, alongside my mind… I guess when you really are longing for something or someone, the potential reward outweighs the risk. Or maybe that is just it… a tender heart has had the tough exterior of protection broken down and cast away, and only then can it truly be open. Who knows? Sometimes you have to let the hand play out to know if a gamble will paid off…

The best thing about hitting rock bottom, is that there is only one direction to go. I don’t think 2013 could manage to do WORSE than 2012, so a nice low standard has been set. But… if the past few weeks are any inclination, I have every reason to hope that 2013 will be one of the best ones yet. 🙂

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hush

I know. Its been quiet over here. The season of crazy at work has ended, and magically everything got done. And by magic, I mean lots and lots of hours at my desk. For the first time ever, I was named Art Director of the magazine that I put together. It is pretty sweet to see your name with that title in print. For ALL TIME. This March will mark 10 years since I graduated college and I am pretty proud of my career so far. I constantly find myself wanting to put the pedal to the metal and continue moving onward and upward. I am ambitious by nature and it is hard not to constantly crave more. More money. More prestige. More responsibility.

I follow the trends in the job market, so I’m always looking at job boards to see what is out there. I see jobs open up and there is always an internal battle in my head as I talk myself out of applying for it. I need to close my eyes. Take a deep breath. Enjoy where I’m at. I WILL BE CONTENT IF IT KILLS ME DAMMIT! I love my job. I really do. I love what I do, I love the people, the products, even in the midst of the crazy, I know that it will be SO rewarding once the final product lands on my desk. It reminds me of cooking. The rewards for your efforts are reaped immediately. I thrive in this environment.

It is like everything else in life, right? I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to climb the ladder. I don’t want to hit my career peak at 30. You have to leave room for cream! I know I could move to a big city and make big impressions in really big companies. But in my heart, I know that there are more important things in life than how you earn your paycheck. I want to work to live, not live to work. My job is one of the most important things to me right now, but I also know that the rewards I gain from it will pale in comparison to the rewards that are in store for me.

It is hard to live in Scottsdale and see the rat race taking place all around you. This morning some of my co-workers were talking about aspirations of someday owning a Louis Vuitton purse. WHY? I got on an elevator the other day, and I honestly wondered how beautiful the three older women would have been if they hadn’t destroyed their faces with botox and face-lifts. What is it all for? I park my 1998 Buick in between Porsches and BMWs, walk to my office with my Old Navy jeans and fUggs. I feel like a joke standing next to the woman in line at the coffee shop, digging into her designer handbag for her card.

I find feelings of envy creep forward, and I have to remind myself of what is important. It is hard not to be affected by the elevated standard of living that surrounds me. But it’s all on the surface, like the flashy feathers of peacocks. I refuse to spend money I don’t have on things I don’t need to impress people I don’t like. But everyone places value on different things, so I really shouldn’t judge those who live a life that is very different than mine.

It is in these moments of silence in which I can evaluate my life and reach a state of contentedness. Find the purpose and value in experiences and relationships. Be thankful for the things that I’ve gone through that have gotten me to this point and that through it all, I’ve managed to keep my feet on the ground. I just need to learn to keep them still every once in awhile, take a look around and enjoy the view.