I didn’t feel like posting at my old blog anymore. Sometimes it is better to close doors and never open them again. So here I am! A new space to write… like a fresh canvas begging for the stroke of a brush. I’ve been trying to come up with a name, or theme for a new blog for a while. I have long been a fan of the idiom: “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” Meaning that you get so caught up in the details, that you fail to see the big picture. I have been guilty of this, like everyone else… so I’m working toward letting go of the little things (the trees!) and embracing my life as a body of work. (the forest!). Duh. Also, I LOVE the forest. I am happiest and most at peace when I’m laying in my hammock watching the wind blow through the trees and listening to the birds, a nearby creek or a thunderstorm in the distance.
It has been a difficult year. I have endured the most pain, grief, sadness and loneliness I’ve ever experienced in my life. I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and that God doesn’t give you things he doesn’t think you can handle… but I’m still pissed off about it most days. Yes, it could always be worse and I know so many people have been through difficulties that I cannot even fathom, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is the lowest valley I have ever walked through.
There are bad things that happen that make sense. While baffling…I am 100% thankful that my three-year relationship ended so horribly and that I have no lingering feelings or wistfulness of what life would have been like. It was hard, and sad and it still makes me angry that I can’t look back on those three years and be glad they were spent with him, but It wasn’t supposed to work out. It makes sense. I am enjoying this time being single, sleeping diagonally and being in control of the remote.
Then there are bad things that happen that make no sense at all. I can’t even list all of the Whys I have in regards to my little nephew Randy. I know there was a reason he came into our lives. There is a reason he was born and spent three days with us. There is also a reason he wasn’t supposed to survive. However these reasons will probably never be answered in my lifetime here on earth. Not a day has gone by in the past 8 weeks that I have not thought of those days in the hospital. The emotions are as fresh and raw as they were when I was living through it. There are memories that will never ever leave my mind, replaying over and over in my head. Some are good but some are not. I can’t even bring myself to type them. Babies shouldn’t die, end of story.
But some babies do…
I sometimes think that it is just a dream, and we’ll wake up and none of it really happened. But it did happen. And you have to somehow find the strength to get out of bed every day. I don’t know how my sister or her husband are doing it… but they are an incredible inspiration to me. The past year has taught me so much about the things that matter and the things that just don’t.
I’m ready for things to get better.
And I’m ready to do what it takes to make that happen.